A really crappy post

C once told me off for using the "C" word. Being told off by a 7 year old is quite a humbling experience but I think it was unwarranted in this case so we had a discussion about the word "Crap" (what did you think I said?)  My argument is that "Crap" is not a rude word since the modern toilet was invented by Mr Thomas Crapper and the word has been adapted from his name. So I defend the title of this post as completely decent.

It was Banana Split night at Dennys with R on Wednesday. The car park has been pretty full recently but on this occasion we were fortunate enough to get a space a little closer than that time a few weeks ago when I attempted to park in three different spaces, couldn't fit, got cross, parked on the road for a second before swooping in on an empty space under at the far corner of the car park with R getting out of the car to ensure I didn't scratch the Audi in the space next door. So on Wednesday, I was quite pleased with my maneuverability skills in getting Beloved's car (which I'd borrowed) into a nice position under a tree.

One-and-a-half banana splits later we returned to go home. When we got in the car we thought we heard rain on the roof and didn't really think much more about it and went home. Then the morning came. I was taking the rubbish bags out to the gate and saw something very similar to this:

Reinactment - not actually Beloved's actual car

Thomas Crapper's name came to mind (or something very similar). All right, so maybe parking under a tree at Denny's wasn't the best move after all, but right now I had an emergency to deal with. If Beloved saw his car in that condition, he would go ballistic!!!! Fortunately, Beloved was still in the shower, or on the loo or something, so I had about three minutes to hide the evidence.  I have no idea what to use to wash poop off a car so I just ran around in a flap for about 60 seconds, grabbed a bucket of water and a towel and proceeded to rub the stuff off. It's sticky stuff. I can't say it was perfectly done but I figured I'd removed enough evidence to cover my tracks.

Birds really are quite evil, aren't they?

It wasn't too long before I bumped into Beloved - what, with living in the same house and all.
He took one look at my face: "What have you done?"
HOW does he DO that? "What? Nothing? Why?"
"You look guilty!"
"Wha??!?"
"You've done SOMEthing!"
He kissed me goodbye and headed out the door to work. I held my breath.
"Oh, you've washed all the bird sh&* off the car! When did you do that?"
He knew!!! He'd been out earlier in the day to pick up the daily paper.
There was only one way out of this situation. Blame him! "Well it's YOUR fault!"
"How is it MY fault?"
"Because YOU should have TOLD me that you KNEW so that I wouldn't have to wash YOUR car before YOU found it!"

I've given this some thought, and have decided that birds really should learn a few good manners. All I know is that after I go to bed, I manage to get through the night without continual crapping. But because the birds at Denny's are bird-brains, I think the local council should fit arrange for all of them to be fitted with these:

Bird Nappies!

Yup. If you google it, you will find it.

There are things you should never say to a woman. Ever!

Throughout my life I have been a bean stalk. I've endured years of mocking for being skinny. Now it seems that after four children and having lived for almost five decades, puberty is finally kicking in and I'm starting to get curvy bits. I can almost fill out an A cup, I have jubbly bits under my arms and there are dimple things forming on my butt that just don't look cute. I think they're known as "cellulite".

I was in Art class with a year 9 class yesterday - these are the same little hoods I followed into Woodwork class that time (I think I'm still traumatized after wrestling sharp instruments from their clutches) - and as I was standing near the desk, minding my own business, the following conversation took place:

BOY: Miss! Are you pregnant?
ME: What??!?
BOY: You're pregnant, aren't you Miss!
ME: I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat.
BOY: Nah Miss, you used to be skinny as. Now you look pregnant.
GIRL: What's that?
BOY: Mrs H is pregnant!
ME: Do you have any idea how old I am?
GIRL: Are you Miss? Oh my GOD! She's not denying it. She IS!"
ME: Wh.......?? Get back to shading your Still Life!
GIRL (yelling to class): Mrs H is pregnant!
ME: What?!
GIRL (opens classroom door and yells out for entire world to hear): Hey everybody, Mrs H is pregnant!
ME: *mortified*

I'm not the Art teacher either!

Thankfully the bell rang and the kids and I went our separate ways. I blame my friend R. She's been force feeding me banana splits for the past 14 months. I am powerless to resist.  I also believe that my own children have been brought up with much better manners than some of the kids at work. According to my daughter Zeeb the correct protocol for questioning a woman on her condition is: "Never ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you can actually SEE a baby coming out of her vagina".

This almost makes me wish I WAS pregnant

Just got back from the Windy City...

...that's NZ's own windy city - Wellington. Some of you may have been wondering how I got on with being glamorous for a day...er..."thank you for asking!" (I have noted that there is not one comment on my previous blog!

Winning a flight to Wellington for the Red Carpet World Premier of "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" with 20th Century Fox definitely rates up there as one of the coolest prizes I've ever won. I can certainly get used to this kind of lifestyle. I was born to it! Living in a hotel room with a giant bed suits me well. I took full advantage of the bathroom and made sure I wore the bathrobe (twice), brought the bath gel and lotion home and smuggled out numerous tea bags and jam samples.

No, it's not Weta animation. Beloved really is dwarfed by the bed.

There was just one thing I didn't understand about the hotel room:

What's with the mirror being dropped to eye level from the bed? DODGY!

Sadly there was no straightening iron in the hotel room and I'd forgotten to bring mine so for that reason I'll give the Amora Hotel in Wellington a mere 4 stars instead of the expected 5.

Being a girly-girl type of woman I couldn't decide what to wear and ended up putting photos of my frocks up on Facebook. It was put to the vote and the navy and black sequins won out.  It cost me all of ten bucks in the Red Dot Sale at Farmers but when Big Gino from Weta Workshop complimented me on my "beautiful dress" I knew that all my friends had made the right decision. Since it was a little short I'd opted for a pair of "cellulite buster" knickers to preserve my modesty and hold my tummy in. They cost more than the dress!

 

Once again, I have cleverly disguised my true identity

So naturally I was poised and sophisticated when I made my grand entrance onto the red carpet. On our approach, Beloved spotted photographers flashing their huge pieces of equipment at the powerful and glamorous and we were up next. I'm afraid to say that I panicked. I still had my glasses on and having spent the last two hours applying makeup I was determined that my blue eyeliner would be seen:
"I haven't taken my glasses off yet!"
Beloved didn't seem to think it was important.
"Leave it. You haven't got time."
I should have listened. Instead, I attempted to juggle my $20 clutch and glasses, dropped them both and ended up scrambling about trying to retrieve them with my cellulite busters in full view of the movers and shakers behind me. Thankfully the paparazzi are a lot kinder to mere mortals such as myself than they are to Brittany, and Beloved and I were able to regain some composure for the next shot.

I think Beloved scrubbed up rather well.

The food and drinks flowed at the pre-premier event and then we were escorted into the VIP Gold Class Seating area to watch the World Premier of "Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Gold Class Seating always seemed a bit decadent to me but having done it, I have to say that kicking back in a lazy boy with free munchies is the ONLY way to watch a really cool movie.

After the movie it was off to some flash bar where the lovely young man on the door ASKED ME FOR ID before I was allowed in!! I could have kissed him! Okay...admittedly I TOLD him to ask me and but it was very nice of him to humour me. It was just a shame that I'd forgotten to put my Drivers License in my clutch. Once again the drinks flowed and I indulged in some fancy non-alcoholic cocktails that I'd never heard of before. Beloved on the other hand, ensured that he used the open bar tab to the fullest advantage. I think he may have worried a bit when he looked at the walls and saw this:

No...it wasn't the drink

Yup, that was a fantastic night away. I think I could handle this overnight jet setting on a more regular basis. Any of my friends want to go on a weekend shopping trip to Welly sometime? I promise that next time I'll try not to leave a trail of blue sequins everywhere I go.

Schmoozing with the stars in Wellywood

Well it looks like I hit the jackpot this week. I've been entering daily giveaways and competitions online and thought I was pretty nifty when Vodafone topped up my prepay with $50 credit after my name was pulled out of the hat. But yesterday I had a very nice surprise in my inbox:
"Congratulations! You have won the draw for the trip to Wellington for the NZ premiere of Rise of the Planet of the Apes..."

Nice! I had some vague recollection about filling in an online form and figured that I had won movie tickets. The only trouble is, I live in Auckland, not Wellington.  Turns out that my big prize consists of more than just a couple of passes to the latest movie:  

Ummm...is this movie going to be scary??

"The prize is for ONE winner and their friend to attend the red carpet NZ Premiere of 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' at Reading Cinemas Courtenay Wellington on August 1st with VIP seats and tickets to the exclusive after-party at the Hooch bar.

The winner and friend will then be given a room at Amora Hotel Wellington for the night. You will be flown from Auckland to Wellington on August 1st and return on August 2nd with the fabulous crew from Grabaseat.

Errr...have I ever mentioned that I'm terrified of flying?

Beloved received a phone call confirming that all was kosher and was told that we'd be met at Auckland airport on Monday and that we're to "dress to impress". My boss has kindly let me have a couple of days off work to go swanning off with the "it" crowd and our friend in the school office is going to have 7 y/o C for the night so she can get her to school.
Great!
SO WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR??? At this stage, all I have is that fancy clutch I bought for the school ball and possibly a pair of shoes. I think I'm going to need a little more! Not wanting to break the budget, I've had a look in my own wardrobe and have come up with this:

Dog not included

And quite possibly this: 

Got this last year for 10 bucks in Farmers Red Dot Sale. Do you think anyone would notice?

Umm..borrowed this off Zeeb (who is a size 8). I'm a size 10(ish!)

Opinions???
And what does a Wellywood schmoozer wear over her posh frock to keep warm?? Meanwhile, Beloved isn't allowed to look scruffy so it looks like we're off to the shops tonight. Hmmm....somehow I have a feeling that this is going to turn out to be a slightly more expensive project than the school ball.

Never pay full price for anything!

That's my mantra. I might have a bit of a reputation for being a tight-ass (I much prefer the word "frugal") but I've finally managed to claw my way off that treadmill and tuck a little away into my savings account. I can probably stop re-using my dental floss and tea bags about now, but old habits die hard.

Anyway, I've been a bit of a party animal lately. Literally:

We had a kids' disco at church last week. The theme was Country & Western so I whipped this little number up on the old Bernina for under thirty bucks. Even if I do say so myself, my teats were udderly AMAZING! It was a bit of a nuisance being repeatedly milked throughout the evening but I have to say, it was worth it.

The school ball was going to be a bit more of a challenge and I'm afraid I did go a little over budget so I'll give the breakdown on what it cost. But first, here's a cleverly disguised picture of me and Smiley getting ready for our big night out with the Year 12 and 13s at the Ellerslie Convention Centre:

True identities cunningly concealed

Elegant, huh? Oh...and because the theme was "Frozen Enchantment", here I am with my...muff:

"Muff"...*snigger*...so much innuendo I'm considering giving it a Facebook page of its own.

So here's the lowdown on what it all cost:

Ticket to the ball:  Nothing (did Smiley's hair in exchange for the ticket)
Dress:  $15! Bought it in another town three years ago when I spotted a bargain. Thought it would look nice in my "collection"
Furry Muff (*snigger*!) and Cape: $10 + $5 postage from Trademe. Bought a couple of years ago for my "collection" (total: $15)
White Sandals:  $2.50 from the Charity Shop (had to scribble the price on the bottom out with vivid but nobody noticed)
Hair: Fake piece: $2.00, Blingy thing $3.90 - from the Asian shop in Southmall
Earrings: $2.00 from the Asian shop in Southmall - the man in there is getting quite friendly with me now.
Gloves: $4.00 (I know, I splurged to go with the theme) - from my Asian friend

And finally...I was going to use the muff to insert (*snigger* - oh, be mature will ya!?!) my important stuff into the lining but my extravagant friend R talked me into buying a flash little clutch. She is such a BAD influence on me!

I LOVE IT!!!! The thing cost me more than the dress but isn't it FABULOUS!??! Besides, I got it for 80% off: $25 (reduced from $60). I did have big plans to flick it off on Trademe (hopefully for a similar price to what I paid for it) but LOOK AT IT!!! It's FABULOUS!!!!

So the total cost for me to go to the ball: $69.40c. Did I really need that fabulous little clutch with the blingy bling? Why yes. Yes I did.

So Smiley and I went to the ball where we behaved with sophistication and decorum all night (until the coach turned into a pumpkin)

Oh, joy, rapture! I've got a brain! (almost)

 Well, I've been giving some thought to furthering my education. My halcyon days were many decades ago (even though I'm only "38"!) and I've enjoyed reliving my youth through the teenagers I work with as a Teacher Aide. But I reckon it's about time I got a few of those NZQA credits for myself. It's not the first time I've thought about it, but being the naive young thing that I am I'd always assumed that having babies and getting some learning didn't mix. I thought it was an all or nothing affair.  Then "Fabulous New Lady" started working in our department. Turns out that she's somewhat over-qualified for the job but she really is fabulous. Then I found out that FNL got her education one paper at a time!!!!  It is seriously possible to stretch a degree out for YEARS! WHY had nobody told me about this?!

 So I'm going in. I'm doing it! I am going to get me some SMARTS. If I ever finish it may take a while (even though I'm only "38) but I think I'll give it a go and start with one little paper
.

Smiley and I were having a "departmental meeting" with FNL during Form Check (aka gossip around the table instead of washing up the coffee cups) and I mentioned that I might consider studying Humanity and Arts. Naturally FNL, who seems to have done everything and anything that's worth doing, has dabbled in the classics and told us about her experience when she went to Italy and saw Michael Angelo's David for real. Is there anything this woman hasn't done? She was so overwhelmed with the wonder and beauty of it all that she burst into tears.  Smiley and I drank in the emotion as FNL's eyes misted over with the memory of this near-religious-epiphanic (I just made that word up) experience. Finally, Smiley - who I think has a higher education than myself - broke the silence.....

....."So...uh...how big is his willy?"

Wouldn't trade my job for anything...YET!

A while back the NZ Police had an recruiting campaign, urging potential applicants to Get Better Work Stories . I have to say, I was tempted. As you all know, I have a penchant for dressing up and the idea of a police uniform in my closet is a huge draw card for me. But with cats, a dog, chickens, children and Beloved to consider I ended up getting a job at a high school instead. It's great. Every day is different. I work with a fabulous team and there's always something exciting going on.

I love my job. At least, that's what I kept telling myself in Technology class yesterday. We have a particularly "feisty" (for want of a word that I can't print here) class of Year 9 kids that just can't seem to leave all those lovely power tools alone. A request was made for Teacher Aide support so Smiley and I tossed a coin. When it wasn't going my way, I suggested the best of three. When Lady Luck smiled I felt guilty. So Smiley and I ended up going to the class together. When I had to stop a kid from shoving a large, pointy object up another kid's nether regions, I began to wonder if the Police Force might have been easier. Both Smiley and I needed a strong cup of tea and quite possibly a lie down after that little session.

So today I was blessed with another riotous group for Art class. Actually, it wasn't too bad today. Three of the boys had been stood down so it was just minor pandemonium as opposed to chaotic anarchy. Apart from a couple of boys (who suggested I should make a vocational change to Exotic Dancing - not sure whether they meant it as an insult or a compliment), things were going pretty well and some good work was beginning to happen. It even got quite peaceful when the boys who suggested the career change legged it out the fire exit.

The thing about an Art classroom is that there's a lot of interesting stuff about the room which to a bunch of hyped up kids, is overwhelmingly tantalizing. The teacher told them to leave the driftwood, the branches, the bone...they just wouldn't listen. Before long, two boys had shoved the bone over their heads. Just between you and me, it looked pretty good on them. Purpose-made. It even had eye holes and ear flaps. Just quietly, I was impressed. Even so, I spoke up:
"Boys! Put it down. Leave things alone!"
Naturally I was completely ignored. So it gave me extreme pleasure to give them a little anatomy lesson.
"Do you have any idea what you've been putting on your head?"
The teacher and I exchanged a knowing glance and tried (unsuccessfully) to stifle some giggles. After a few guesses, the kids were able to work out that the bone came from a big animal, most probably a cow. Clever kids.
"So...which PART of the cow do you think it is?"
I had to spell that bit out for them. but in case you're wondering, here's a clue:

 

Not sure if Carmen was meant for this either!

Heh heh...I LOOOOOOVE my job!

I would say it was just as well that the cow was dead at the time of head insertion. Otherwise, the poor bovine creature would have had the shock of its life.

Surprised (but disturbingly happy) cow

I told my friend R this story and she found it so "amoooosing" that she was "moooooooved" to tears. Come to think of it. It's probably not a good idea to surprise a cow at all (as illustrated in the following dramatization)...............

So, even on a bad day, I love my job. And if there's anybody out there who doesn't love their job, just remember that it could be worse. MUCH worse. Next time I have to rescue a kid from a chisel up the jaksy, I'll spare a thought for this guy: