Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Why do you never see an old mermaid?

C asked me a question yesterday: "Mum, how come there aren't any granny-mermaids?". She's six years old and has been asking a lot of questions lately. It can make for some confusing conversations but this one got me thinking. She's right you know, there AREN'T any granny-mermaids. There are old-fella-mermen - I think King Neptune is one of them - but the females are all young...and hot. The girls all have long, shiny hair, slim figures, and are scantily clad. Come to think of it, they can't be all that hot living in sea water conditions with nothing but a piece of seaweed to cover their girly bits. And...ummm...speaking of girly bits...
Well clearly I'm not the ONLY one who's wondered!

So I've been thinking about this and put in some extensive research. In other words, I googled "mermaids" for about 20seconds, got bored then decided to come up with my own theories on the matter.

Firstly, does anyone else think it's dodgy that there's one old-guy merman (Neptune) surrounded by all those fit young fishy models, both male and female? A little reminiscent of Poppa Smurf if you ask me, but don't get me started on that one.

And what do you suppose is happening to all the girls once they reach...ooh I dunno...25 years old? Actually, it must be a younger age than that because I haven't seen any pictures of mermaids wearing supportive bras so I'd imagine gravity would start taking action even sooner. Or would it? What exactly ARE the laws of gravity underwater? Anyway, if you ask me, those merguys are up to something and it's not looking good for the girls. Maybe it's like that episode of Star Trek TNG I saw once where everyone of a certain age had a big party and then were sent off to the Great Beyond the next day. Or maybe it's something a little more sinister...
Those merguys are SELLING the mermaids to rugged fishermen who, after working out that they can't actually have their wicked way with the poor girls (refer to cartoon above) are selling them to fishmongers! You know what this means? The sequel to Disney's "The Little Mermaid" is a HORROR STORY!
Oh...wait, she fell in love and became human, right? So she got to cook for her prince, clean his underpants (which would have been an entirely foreign concept to her), darn his socks...then one day she woke up and found that she had cellulite on her thighs...I stand my ground. It's still a horror story. I haven't the heart to break it to C.
Just had another thought: As I came out of the shower tonight and slathered myself in anti-wrinkling lotions and potions I decided that soaking in salt water 24/7 would wreak havoc on the skin. Think about it...

Sunday, March 13, 2011

When is Smiley going to turn up and make the tea?

We are working so hard at school. It's becoming quickly apparent to Smiley and me that our days of faffing - not that we ever actually did faff (just in case any official school-type people happen to be reading this) - are well and truly in the past. I work just 20 hours a week at the moment. Some extra hours would be nice but with talk flying around the school about hours being reduced, it's not looking too promising. So for now I just work 4 days a week and finish at lunch time. As everyone knows, the real reason I turn up for work is to eat my lunch. Don't say anything to her, but I suspect the same might be said for Smiley. So on Friday when she hadn't turned up for lunch on time, I thought to myself:
Hmmm....this isn't like Smiley
Then I stuffed another piece of gluten free chocolate cake into my face.

Smiley and I had spent the morning testing some Year Tens individually on their Maths. We were finally making progress in getting some data together for the head honchos. I checked the time on my cell phone and noticed that we were more than ten minutes into our lunch break and Smiley still hadn't arrived to make our tea. Totally out of character. So I flicked her a text: "Where r u?"

Smiley didn't reply. So we all kind of sat there staring at the tea pot with confused expressions on our faces. When one member of the team is down - we ALL feel it.

Eventually, about 5 minutes before the end of lunch, she surfaced with quite a lot to say for herself:
"Where did everybody go? I've been locked in that little office with a Year Ten child. Everyone just left me locked in there. No lunch, no cup of tea. I could have wasted away!"
I wondered if Smiley might have been tempted by cannibalism if she'd been locked in there any longer, but realised that with the impending cuts to staff hours, she might not want to take the risk. "I DID text you."
"How can I read your text if I don't have my phone on me during work time?"  It was a fair comment.
"Ummm...cup of tea? The pot's ready for you to make it..."

I ducked and she missed me :-)