Wednesday, August 17, 2011

There are things you should never say to a woman. Ever!

Throughout my life I have been a bean stalk. I've endured years of mocking for being skinny. Now it seems that after four children and having lived for almost five decades, puberty is finally kicking in and I'm starting to get curvy bits. I can almost fill out an A cup, I have jubbly bits under my arms and there are dimple things forming on my butt that just don't look cute. I think they're known as "cellulite".

I was in Art class with a year 9 class yesterday - these are the same little hoods I followed into Woodwork class that time (I think I'm still traumatized after wrestling sharp instruments from their clutches) - and as I was standing near the desk, minding my own business, the following conversation took place:

BOY: Miss! Are you pregnant?
ME: What??!?
BOY: You're pregnant, aren't you Miss!
ME: I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat.
BOY: Nah Miss, you used to be skinny as. Now you look pregnant.
GIRL: What's that?
BOY: Mrs H is pregnant!
ME: Do you have any idea how old I am?
GIRL: Are you Miss? Oh my GOD! She's not denying it. She IS!"
ME: Wh.......?? Get back to shading your Still Life!
GIRL (yelling to class): Mrs H is pregnant!
ME: What?!
GIRL (opens classroom door and yells out for entire world to hear): Hey everybody, Mrs H is pregnant!
ME: *mortified*
I'm not the Art teacher either!
Thankfully the bell rang and the kids and I went our separate ways. I blame my friend R. She's been force feeding me banana splits for the past 14 months. I am powerless to resist.  I also believe that my own children have been brought up with much better manners than some of the kids at work. According to my daughter Zeeb the correct protocol for questioning a woman on her condition is: "Never ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you can actually SEE a baby coming out of her vagina".
This almost makes me wish I WAS pregnant

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Just got back from the Windy City...

...that's NZ's own windy city - Wellington. Some of you may have been wondering how I got on with being glamorous for a"thank you for asking!" (I have noted that there is not one comment on my previous blog!

Winning a flight to Wellington for the Red Carpet World Premier of "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" with 20th Century Fox definitely rates up there as one of the coolest prizes I've ever won. I can certainly get used to this kind of lifestyle. I was born to it! Living in a hotel room with a giant bed suits me well. I took full advantage of the bathroom and made sure I wore the bathrobe (twice), brought the bath gel and lotion home and smuggled out numerous tea bags and jam samples.
No, it's not Weta animation. Beloved really is dwarfed by the bed.
There was just one thing I didn't understand about the hotel room:
What's with the mirror being dropped to eye level from the bed? DODGY!
Sadly there was no straightening iron in the hotel room and I'd forgotten to bring mine so for that reason I'll give the Amora Hotel in Wellington a mere 4 stars instead of the expected 5.

Being a girly-girl type of woman I couldn't decide what to wear and ended up putting photos of my frocks up on Facebook. It was put to the vote and the navy and black sequins won out.  It cost me all of ten bucks in the Red Dot Sale at Farmers but when Big Gino from Weta Workshop complimented me on my "beautiful dress" I knew that all my friends had made the right decision. Since it was a little short I'd opted for a pair of "cellulite buster" knickers to preserve my modesty and hold my tummy in. They cost more than the dress!
Once again, I have cleverly disguised my true identity
So naturally I was poised and sophisticated when I made my grand entrance onto the red carpet. On our approach, Beloved spotted photographers flashing their huge pieces of equipment at the powerful and glamorous and we were up next. I'm afraid to say that I panicked. I still had my glasses on and having spent the last two hours applying makeup I was determined that my blue eyeliner would be seen:
"I haven't taken my glasses off yet!"
Beloved didn't seem to think it was important.
"Leave it. You haven't got time."
I should have listened. Instead, I attempted to juggle my $20 clutch and glasses, dropped them both and ended up scrambling about trying to retrieve them with my cellulite busters in full view of the movers and shakers behind me. Thankfully the paparazzi are a lot kinder to mere mortals such as myself than they are to Brittany, and Beloved and I were able to regain some composure for the next shot.
I think Beloved scrubbed up rather well.
The food and drinks flowed at the pre-premier event and then we were escorted into the VIP Gold Class Seating area to watch the World Premier of "Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Gold Class Seating always seemed a bit decadent to me but having done it, I have to say that kicking back in a lazy boy with free munchies is the ONLY way to watch a really cool movie.

After the movie it was off to some flash bar where the lovely young man on the door ASKED ME FOR ID before I was allowed in!! I could have kissed him! Okay...admittedly I TOLD him to ask me and but it was very nice of him to humour me. It was just a shame that I'd forgotten to put my Drivers License in my clutch. Once again the drinks flowed and I indulged in some fancy non-alcoholic cocktails that I'd never heard of before. Beloved on the other hand, ensured that he used the open bar tab to the fullest advantage. I think he may have worried a bit when he looked at the walls and saw this: wasn't the drink

Yup, that was a fantastic night away. I think I could handle this overnight jet setting on a more regular basis. Any of my friends want to go on a weekend shopping trip to Welly sometime? I promise that next time I'll try not to leave a trail of blue sequins everywhere I go.