There are things you should never say to a woman. Ever!

Throughout my life I have been a bean stalk. I've endured years of mocking for being skinny. Now it seems that after four children and having lived for almost five decades, puberty is finally kicking in and I'm starting to get curvy bits. I can almost fill out an A cup, I have jubbly bits under my arms and there are dimple things forming on my butt that just don't look cute. I think they're known as "cellulite".

I was in Art class with a year 9 class yesterday - these are the same little hoods I followed into Woodwork class that time (I think I'm still traumatized after wrestling sharp instruments from their clutches) - and as I was standing near the desk, minding my own business, the following conversation took place:

BOY: Miss! Are you pregnant?
ME: What??!?
BOY: You're pregnant, aren't you Miss!
ME: I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat.
BOY: Nah Miss, you used to be skinny as. Now you look pregnant.
GIRL: What's that?
BOY: Mrs H is pregnant!
ME: Do you have any idea how old I am?
GIRL: Are you Miss? Oh my GOD! She's not denying it. She IS!"
ME: Wh.......?? Get back to shading your Still Life!
GIRL (yelling to class): Mrs H is pregnant!
ME: What?!
GIRL (opens classroom door and yells out for entire world to hear): Hey everybody, Mrs H is pregnant!
ME: *mortified*

I'm not the Art teacher either!

Thankfully the bell rang and the kids and I went our separate ways. I blame my friend R. She's been force feeding me banana splits for the past 14 months. I am powerless to resist.  I also believe that my own children have been brought up with much better manners than some of the kids at work. According to my daughter Zeeb the correct protocol for questioning a woman on her condition is: "Never ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you can actually SEE a baby coming out of her vagina".

This almost makes me wish I WAS pregnant