I think I have a talent for producing great kids and if it weren’t for my advanced age and the fact that childbirth feels like a 32” TV set is being pulled out of your butt, I’d probably keep reproducing. Some of my friends have gotten around this by becoming grandparents. I know I don’t look old enough but I am sort of a nana - by marriage - because Beloved has a couple of extremely cute grandies. But my own kids have yet to advance me to the rank of family matriarch and grandkid spoiler. Somehow my gorgeous girls have reached 19 and 22 years of age without any boyfriends.
My son, M, is a great looking kid with a brain to match. He captains the Chess club, represents the school in Mathex, plays Lawn Bowls and is one of the “tech boys” at school assemblies. Sadly it seems that he’ll never move beyond Pokemon and Playstation. My youngest daughter is 6 so it looks like the responsibility rests entirely at her feet (or uterus). In the meantime I miss having a baby in the house. I think I’ll make a clause in my will that the first of my children to marry and produce an heir (of heiress) can inherit my entire collection of dress up clothes and super hero costumes.
But at last there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. M invited a GIRL around to our house during the holidays! I’m serious! She was an actual GIRL with one head, two arms and two legs. She wasn’t even imaginary! Naturally I checked her out on the school record system (one of the perks of working at my kid’s school). Her Facebook profile looks promising - no naughty words, intelligent and she does ballet in her spare time. She’s pretty and normal and NICE. Great potential for the possible future mother of my possible future grandchildren! In preparation for the visit I blew the budget at the supermarket to procure hip, adolescent snacks (not popcorn because I’d noted that she has braces). The plan was to win her heart on M’s behalf by plying her with biccies and coke. I even went so far as to dress my little one in a renaissance costume, complete with headpiece, and thrust her into the room with firm instructions to be cute. Teenage girls love cute kids and I’m sure they find boys with adorable little sisters irresistible. I also instructed my littlie to quote the balcony scene from “Romeo and Juliet”, which she did rather well considering she’s only six: “Oh Rolleo, Rolleo with four art toes...”
Come to think of it, the teens didn’t appear too happy to have constant disruptions to their Pokemon Trading and I haven’t seen M’s friend since. Ummm...do you suppose I overegged the pudding?
There’s always Plan B. When Nay, my eldest, was visiting from Christchurch I saw her talking at length to a nice young man at church. He looks like good son-in-law material so we had him around to lunch. I’ve checked his Facebook page - and the profiles of anybody he may have commented on. Funny though, he seems to have ignored my Friend Request...