Making friends in the modern age

I got a text from someone I don’t know this morning:

Heeey hun (ooh, this looks promising I thought to myself) dis me. I’ll txx yu l8er den, luv yu.

It’s a bit of a long shot, but I have a hunch this was sent to the wrong number. Ignoring it seemed like the best plan but I hadn’t taken teenage love hormones into account. Texts were coming fast and strong. It’s okay though, I work at a high school and have teenagers so I’m fluent in Gangsta Text.  For the sake of the monolingual, I’ll translate the subsequent messages:

Heeey baby wht yu doing? Muwah! Xo (hello to the person I’m in love with for the next three days or so. I would really like you to reply. Big kiss, little kiss and a hug)

Babe (you haven’t responded to my many text messages yet. Could you please send me a message back?)

BABE! (I’m getting annoyed that you haven’t texted me back yet. Why are you ignoring me?)

I at da swings (I’m waiting for you at our not-very-secret place in the local community playground. I am lighting up a cigarette and beginning to get a little impatient that you’re keeping me waiting)

Babe whr yu! Txx me! (You’re late. I’m getting irritated. Let me know where you are)

BAAAAAAABEEEE!! (if you're not answering me it means you're busy and if you're busy it can only mean that you're cheating on me)

Aw baby im sozz i killd everything. Txx me pleeeze k? I miss yu  : ( (I’m starting to panic now that I sounded too angry in that last text. Please don’t dump me. Please let me be your girlfriend? My self esteem is pretty low and I’m not sure if I can be valued as a complete person without a boyfriend to accessorise with my ipad)

By now I was thinking that maybe the boyfriend was going to get his ears chewed for something he was completely oblivious to so I decided to take action: I’m not sure if you have the right number

But those texts just kept coming:

I ad th park, buh im on th courts, ws on bebo js den & read yur mail to me :( (I am still waiting for you at the park, next to the courts. I was on my social network site just now and read your private message to me. I am now morbidly depressed and having suicidal thoughts).

I thought I did very well ignoring the unremitting beeps as I was driving to the shops.  Many messages later I was standing at the checkout at New world and decided I’d had enough.  M tried persuade me to tell her that he gave the wrong number which means he's "just not that into you" He's a boy. He should know these things. But my thumb starts to ache after three words and truthfully, I didn't want to break her heart.

Wrong number! That seemed pretty clear and to the point.

Es dis sonny?

I thought I’d lighten the mood. "Only to my mum and dad". I had short hair when I was a kid and was often mistaken for a boy, so technically that wasn't a lie. I think my humour was a little too high brow for my new friend and the harassment continued. Evidently she knew I was Sonny and it seems that our boy Sonny may have been cheating on this poor kid. I tried to tell her that Sonny was an egg for treating her badly and that she could do better for herself and even threw in a smiley face for good measure. She was having none of it. Even telling her that I’m a 47 year old mother of four couldn’t sway her. Just what was it going to take?

Zeeb grabbed the phone off me and sent the following:

I’ll pray for you

I told Zeeb she’d better be praying. “If you say you’re gonna pray for someone you’d better do it. Well? Are you praying? PRAY!!!”

Funny, I didn't hear back from my friend after that. She’s a smart girl is Zeeb. Probably saved her life. Meanwhile, I've just had a text from someone asking me to buy them a hot water bottle tomorrow. I would, if only I knew who to give it to...