Rude books that make your eyes bleed

It all started innocently: "I want to read a book about Vikings," I told Zeeb "can you get me one from the library?"  I'd read a Viking book when I was a kid once and thought it would be quite fun to read a grown up version. With the library online it was easy to come up with a possibly good read. It had a real Viking, a modern day woman and some time-travel (that appealed to the "Doctor Who" fan in me). Perfect. The stupid library website wouldn't accept my fumbled passwords so it seemed easier to get Zeeb to order and collect it for me (besides, what's the point in going through 18 hours of labour to have a complete human being ripping you in half with her big head if you can't boss her about once in a while?).

I started with the prologue. I gagged...I gagged again...I really shouldn't be reading this...I blushed...I REALLY shouldn't be reading this! Oh COME ON! Is that even humanly possible? And that was just the prologue! I don't recall the blurb on the library website mentioning "erotica" although perhaps the words "Viking Unchained" should have given me a clue.

"It's no good Zeeb, I can't read this."  She looked at me with that what-an-ungrateful-mum kind of face that required some kind of explanation. "It's just too...(I had to think here. This is my baby. Is she ready for this?)...it's too...rude!"

"Lemme see". Zeeb reached out for the book.  I hesitated for a moment then remembered that she's 19 years old and a heck of a lot more grown up than I am. Her reaction was simillar to mine.

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!"  she was blushing as she screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" I was blushing too.

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" we were both screaming in unison. Her because she knew I'd read that bit, and me because I knew what bit she was reading.

"What's going on in there?" called my Beloved.

She slammed the book shut. "This book should NOT have been allowed to sit on the shelf of a public library. It should be shrink-wrapped in plastic! I can't believe you made me get this for you!"

She later returned from the library with a Viking book from the children's section because "those are the ONLY type of books that you should be reading!"  Meanwhile, I've bought a nice Christian novel by a nice Christian author who writes especially for nice Christian middle-aged mothers. I should be safe now.