A cheap drunk or a miracle mum?

Beloved and I went to a party last night. The drinks were flowing but I was sticking to my ginger beer. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm not especially fond of the plonk. I've never liked the taste and anybody who knows me REALLY well knows what happens if I even attempt to sniff the stuff. Half a glass of water with a packet of wine gums and I'm under the table. Beloved on the other hand, doesn't have a problem with the occasional (large) tipple so we're well matched with me being the designated driver and him being the...er...polite one who drinks everything that's on offer.

So our hosts offered me a frozen, slushy type thingee called a mackerie or a duckarita or something (heck, what do I know about this stuff?). They were generous people and thought I was just being polite when I declined so eventually Beloved had to explain that I "CAN'T drink.

"Great!" I hissed at him, under my breath, through gritted teeth "Now they think I'm an alcoholic!" Beloved found this amusing.

I was telling Zeeb about this tonight and she added another thought to the mix:
ME: "Now everyone there will think I'm an alcoholic"
Zeeb: "Or pregnant"
Me: *stunned silence* "Ummm...I'm...unmentionable years old!"
Zeeb: "If you were pregnant at your age you could write to a woman's magazine and get paid for the story"
Me: "Hmmm..."
Zeeb: "What about those people who don't know they're even pregnant until they go to take a dump?"
Me: "That would be pretty cool!"
Zeeb: "Why, because you end up with a baby instead of a poo?"

Not really anything to do with what I'm writing about but when I stumbled on this pic just now it made me laugh out loud.

 The discussion deteriorated a little from there (as if it hadn't already) and I started thinking about baby names.
If I gave birth to a girl on the loo I could name her "Louise" (get it? LOO-WEES! Huh? Get it??)
Zeeb asked what I'd call a boy born on the bog: "Lewis" (as in LOO-WHIZZ) or PEEter.
Oh, I am on a roll tonight. A TOILET ROLL that is! :-p

False alarm

My 84 year old Mum was proudly showing me the new top she bought the other day.  Mum has a two bedroom unit and both rooms have wardrobes and tallboys bursting with clothes that she's bought over the years - each of them a bargain.  Mum never throws anything away. When I was 12 I counted her underpants...ummm...yes...I'm aware that might seem an odd thing for a 12 year old to do but it's now reasonably well-known that I have some degree of OCD.  I blame Jim Henson for creating Sesame Street. I grew up with The Count and his calculating ways.  Anyway, I counted about 53 pairs of underwear when I was 12 and I know that she hasn't parted with any of them since then so it must be quite a collection by now. I just wonder where she's storing it all.

Speaking of underpants, sometimes Mum "kindly" picks up a pair for me from the Asian Dollar stores around here and I'm afraid I just don't understand them. I can deal with them coming up to my armpits. That cuts down on the dreaded "VPL" that you get with tight skirts - although they do tend to create a wardrobe malfunction when I wear my hipster skinny jeans with them.  I can forgive the mistake of having them bought in the XL size when I'm only an S (really, I am!), but what I don't understand is the pockets. The knickers have pockets. Why? For what? Chewing gum? And how are you supposed to discreetly fish into your pockets when you have to dig deep into your undies?  Maybe it's time to cut the apron strings and buy my own lingerie.

Anyway, back to the flash new top that my mother bought the other day.  I have no idea how she's going to squeeze it into either of her already bulging wardrobes but I actually quite liked it.  It was a purple swingtop - not a colour I've seen Mum wear too often but I think it will suit her well.  But there was something about it...couldn't quite put my finger on it...until I picked up the label which clearly said: "Mum2Be"

"Ummm....Muuuuum...you're not in any trouble are you?"  I could tell that she knew exactly what I meant.
"It was on special".
"Errrrm....Mother...do we need to have a little talk?  Just how well HAVE you been getting along with the greengrocer lately?"

I'm the youngest in our family. I came along about a year before the pill became popular which I'm certain was a very pleasant shock...ummm..."surprise" for my parents...

...and I'm not about to be usurped as the spoiled baby!